How to resolve conflicts with your flatmates

The do's and don'ts

Moving to university and living with flatmates is one of the most exciting parts of student life, but sometimes things can go a bit wrong. Whether it's noise at 3 am, dishes piling up, or someone finishing the milk and not replacing it, it can lead to conflicts, and before you know it, you're giving each other the silent treatment.

Always remember, conflicts with flatmates are normal, but how you handle them is the key to making peace. 

Let's go through the do's and don'ts of keeping things civil.

The do's ✅

1. Talk about it sooner, rather than later

No matter how small or big the problem is, if something's bothering you, it's best to bring it up sooner rather than bottle it up, snap at someone, and have a full-blown argument.

Here's an example of what you can say:

2. Use "I" instead of "you"

It's always better to focus on how the situation is making you feel rather than what the person is doing wrong. This keeps the conversation constructive and avoids the other person becoming defensive.

Instead of saying "You never wash up", try saying:

3. Set some household guidelines

It's a lot easier to avoid problems than to fix them. Try agreeing earlier on things like cleaning schedules, noise levels or shared costs of items. It'll be much easier going forward if you set these at the beginning of the year, and you can avoid being the only one to take the bins out or buy toilet roll.

4. Compromise

It's always best to enter conflict open to compromise. If you expect the other person to change their actions, you might have to bend a little too. Living together means not always getting your way - it's about finding middle ground so everyone feels comfortable.

5. Give positive feedback

If a flatmate makes an effort to change something, make sure they know you noticed. Otherwise, they might stop if they think you're ignoring it. Being grateful for each other's kind actions builds better vibes and encourages a more positive atmosphere.

Here's an example of what you could say:

The don'ts ‼️

1. Don't react when you're emotional

While it's completely valid to feel the way you do, take a deep breath and think about how you feel before you confront someone.

Moments like these are when tensions run highest, and you or the other person might say things you don't actually mean.

Instead of reacting by typing an angry text or storming up the stairs to confront them, take time to reflect on the situation and your feelings, and keep an open mind so the issue doesn't escalate.

2. Don't be passive aggressive

Leaving notes, slamming doors and saying petty comments don't solve anything. This kind of behaviour will only harm your relationship with them further and make other flatmates feel uncomfortable.

If you're upset, talk about it, even if it's awkward and uncomfortable. 

3. Don't take sides

Although it may feel more comfortable to have another flatmate feel the same way you do about the same person, avoid the "us vs them" tactic. Group confrontations can feel a lot more hostile than one-on-one chats and can often make the other person feel isolated. 

4. Never make it personal

Focus on behaviours and feelings, not personalities. Saying things like "you're so lazy" just adds fuel to the fire. Focus on actions and how they affect you. Bringing personalities into it can actually do more harm than good and can affect people deeply.

5. Don't expect an overnight change

Change takes time. If you're actively seeing someone make an effort but they aren't quite there yet, give them the benefit of the doubt and a bit of patience.

Remember, not everyone was raised the same way either - try to understand your flatmates' habits and cultural backgrounds first before starting an argument.

You don't have to be best friends, and you might even get on each other's nerves sometimes, but a bit of peace and mutual respect go a long way! And even if it turns into an argument, you're all learning together and learning how each other reacts and resolves conflict, so don't be too hard on yourself if it doesn't go to plan.

If you do need further assistance with conflicts with your flat or house share, email studenthub@soton.ac.uk for support.